They Say 'Just Let It Go'—But Real Healing Isn’t That Simple

Just Let It Go’ Is Lip Service—Here’s the Truth About Real Healing

I’ve been on the spiritual growth and personal development path for over 25 years. Early on, I was convinced that “mind over matter” and positive thinking would lead me to a more enlightened state. Spoiler alert: they didn’t quite work out that way.

Sure, positive affirmations gave me a temporary lift, but they never touched the deeper traumas and unsettled feelings that kept bubbling up, no matter how many times I repeated, “I am calm and centred.”

The more I tried to push positivity onto every dark thought or unsettling emotion, the more stuck I felt. I’m talking about a kind of stuckness where my entire nervous system seemed frozen, as if someone had pressed pause on my emotions. I would slip into a state where my body felt numb, my thoughts were foggy, and a low-level depressive mood hovered over me like a stubborn grey cloud. The more I tried to “positive-think” my way out, the deeper I seemed to sink.

What Trauma Really Is (and Isn’t)

Let’s clear up a common misconception about trauma. Many people think trauma has to be something big and dramatic—like surviving a natural disaster or a serious accident. While those experiences are certainly traumatic, trauma doesn’t always come with a dramatic story. It can be subtle.

Trauma is essentially any event or series of events that overwhelms our ability to cope. It’s when our nervous system gets thrown off balance, whether it’s from growing up with emotionally distant parents, being bullied, or feeling abandoned during a rough time.

Our nervous systems don’t measure trauma by how dramatic the event was; they measure it by the impact it had on us. If something leaves you feeling powerless, stuck, or constantly on edge, then yes, it can be considered trauma—even if it doesn’t seem like a big deal to others. The nervous system responds to perceived danger in the same way, whether that danger is life-threatening or just emotionally overwhelming. That’s why trauma responses like fight, flight, or freeze happen automatically, without our conscious control.

When “Good Vibes Only” Backfires

You know what doesn’t help when you’re dealing with trauma? When well-meaning people say, “Don’t be so negative,” “Just let it go,” or, “Get over it.” It’s as if they think you can drop your pain like an old clothing you’re done with. Oh, if only it were that simple! The truth is, telling someone to just let it go doesn’t magically reset their nervous system. Trauma doesn’t vanish just because someone suggests you stop “dwelling” on it; in fact, being told to ignore or “rise above” these feelings can add a layer of guilt or shame, making you feel like you’re failing at healing.

Beware the Trap of Spiritual Bypassing

I’ve spoken about spiritual bypassing many times before in previous articles, but it’s worth a reminder here. It’s when we use spiritual practices, like positivity, meditation, or even prayer, to avoid facing uncomfortable feelings or unresolved trauma. While it might seem helpful to “focus on the light,” it often sidesteps the deeper healing work. We can’t really pray our problems away without taking action to address them. Bypassing isn’t true healing; it’s more like putting a spiritual plaster on an emotional wound. Real growth happens when we face the discomfort, not when we gloss over it with affirmations.

Why We Can’t Positive-Think Our Way Out of Trauma

This is where the problem with positive thinking comes in. It can start to feel like an obligation to be cheerful no matter what, and that’s just not realistic when you’re grappling with unresolved trauma. The more I tried to force happy thoughts, the more I disconnected from my own feelings. It’s like trying to cover up a cracked wall with wallpaper; it may look fine on the surface for a while, but underneath, the structure is still damaged. And if you’re anything like me, you end up blaming yourself when the “good vibes” don’t stick. It’s a recipe for feeling even more stuck and disheartened.

What Really Helped: Getting Real About Healing

Eventually, I found that what I needed wasn’t more positivity—it was more patience. And by patience, I mean a willingness to sit with my feelings and let them be. This is where therapy came in, especially approaches that focus on the body, like somatic techniques. Feeling emotions in the body turns out to be surprisingly powerful. I had to learn to sit, sit, sit with those emotions. It was like training a dog to stay—except instead of saying “stay” to a pet, I was saying it to my own feelings. Sit, stay, and for heaven’s sake, don’t run out the door at the first sign of discomfort!

As I practised sitting with my emotions (with all the patience I could muster), I began to notice where they lived in my body. I would feel a tight knot of frustration in my stomach, while sadness seemed to settle heavily in my chest. By tuning into these sensations and letting them be, without trying to “fix” them straight away, I was giving my nervous system the chance to come out of freeze mode. Slowly, the energy in my body began to shift and move. It wasn’t a quick or magical transformation, but it was real.

It’s About Feeling, Not Fixing

What I’ve come to realise is that positive thinking isn’t inherently bad; it just has its limitations. It’s not a cure-all, and when we use it to avoid the darker, messier emotions, we miss the point of true healing. We can’t just sprinkle glitter over our pain and call it enlightenment. Real healing involves accepting our full range of emotions, understanding how our bodies react to them, and allowing ourselves to feel what needs to be felt—no matter how uncomfortable it is. Sometimes, the most positive thing we can do is to be honest about our struggles and give our nervous system the space to recover, rather than forcing it to “snap out of it.”

So, the next time someone tells you to let it go or just get over it, feel free to gently remind them (with a smile, of course) that if healing were as easy as letting go, we’d all be experts at it by now. Some things take time, and some feelings are simply stubborn. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is to sit, stay, and let the healing happen—just like training a very stubborn yet lovable dog to sit and stay.

For more insights on trauma healing and spiritual growth, enquire about my therapeutic coaching services by dropping me an email [email protected] 

© 2024 Shamala Tan