The Shadow That Lurks

What is the shadow self?

In simple terms: this is a part of us that we cannot see, it lurks in the shadows and it has so much power that it can compel you to do, feel and think things without your conscious mind having any control over it. Within the shadow are both good and bad aspects of you. So for eg, you could be an extremely talented pianist, but because it is lurking in the shadows you have no idea of your abilities, and you only listen to other parts of the shadow that says you’re not good enough.

How does the shadow self come into operation in our daily lives? It actually does more than anyone of us are aware of. It is one of the biggest blindspots we have, simply because it is in the shadow. And when we tell people, we know ourselves very well — we are in truth-telling a lie, and we do not even know we’re lying.

How can we know ourselves very well if we cannot even see our blind spots, or know how the shadow is in control of us? Tricky isn’t it?

In this article, my role is simply to bring to your awareness how the shadow has been in control of you, all this while, and perhaps you may come to a realisation how it has sabotaged you time and time again.

The best way to teach is to illustrate with examples, so let me just share somethings that my clients have given me permission to share, as long as they remain anonymous.

Let me name this client, Andrew. So Andrew has always excelled in knowledge-gathering. He is smart and prides himself as being an intellectual. His drive to learn, gather knowledge, and share what he knows makes him an interesting person. He has since learned that the shadow energy that drives this is simply a fear of not being good enough. And the fear of inadequacy. On the surface, it is a good thing that Andrew is striving to learn and gather knowledge, however, by understanding what drove him to do this (after much work), helped him to become much more balanced. And he can now safely learn with greater pleasure without self-judgment.

Another client, let’s name her Charlene. She is a working mother and she runs her household and work-life like clockwork. She is efficient, excels in what she does, and is always punctual despite having four children with little to no outside help. So everyone praises her for being the finest example of a working mother. She has some of the biggest peeves that can stress her out, giving her anxiety stomach aches and headaches. Some of her peeves include being judgmental towards people who have bad time management, who are slow, or she perceives them as being lazy. So now, other people’s issues became her issue, making her suffer from these aches and pains in her body because she has a judgment towards people who are not up to her standard. Isn’t it interesting that her shadow has taken on a lot for her?

Her peeves ultimately impacted her relationship with her children and husband. She keeps a composed mask for the rest of the world, but truly she suffers inside. Because now not only does she have to keep it all together, she cannot express her vulnerability to the world. She is still coming to a healthier balance internally so that she can work with a holistic intent and drive to remain efficient.

The last example I will share is about this client, which we will name Pete. Pete is a jolly man, and I noticed that he introduced himself as a person who loves to joke, and he constantly says it is important not to take life seriously. His most common phrase is, I love to joke, or I’m just joking.

However, he has found himself in hot soup several times because his jokes became inappropriate in the work space. And he found himself becoming socially awkward. With a fear of not being good enough, and being rejected, he is on the brink of becoming a recluse and turning to other addictions and bad habits to feel better. So the shadow lurking here came from his insecurities, his social awkwardness and not being comfortable in his own skin. I am currently working with him on strategies to manage his addictions.

I hope these examples are helping you to see a certain pattern as to how the shadow self can drive us to do things, to be things or to say things. Perhaps you, like these clients above, have a thing that you do but you do not know what drives you. And the shadow has much more power over you than you realise.

Some common examples are:

• The need to appear confident for fear of being put down by others
• The need to right the wrongs for fear that things will be out of one’s control
• The need to do the right thing for fear of being judged
• The need to keep working for fear of dealing with the emotional self
• The need to drink alcohol for fear of dealing with one’s real issues
• The need to overeat for fear of starvation
• The list goes on…

I hope this gives you a better sense of how the shadow lurks and perhaps being more aware of them will assist you to a clearer path in your life.