More Than Screaming: The Everyday Forms of Emotional Abuse We Overlook

Have you ever tried opening up about your feelings, only to be met with a dismissive, "Oh, it’s not that big of a deal"? Or maybe someone told you to "just get over it" when you shared something deeply personal? If so, you've experienced psychological invalidation. It’s a sneaky, everyday form of emotional abuse that happens all too often. Sadly, many of us have come to accept it as normal. But guess what? It's not okay, and it's time to break the cycle.

What is Psychological Invalidation?

Psychological invalidation occurs when someone dismisses, minimises, or ignores your feelings, thoughts, or experiences. It’s like sharing your Netflix password with someone, and instead of saying "thank you," they criticise your choice of shows. Invalidation can be subtle, like a shrug, or more direct, like saying, "You’re overreacting." The result? It leaves you questioning your own reality, erodes your confidence, and chips away at your self-worth.

I’ve personally experienced this in relationships with narcissists. You know the type—people who think the world revolves around them, with little room for anyone else's emotions. Narcissistic relationships breed psychological invalidation because these individuals often lack empathy and make everything about themselves. However, you don’t need to be dealing with a narcissist to encounter invalidation; it can come from people who are simply mindless, unaware, or perpetuating the behaviours they grew up with.

Signs of Psychological Invalidation

How do you know if you’re being invalidated? Here are some common signs:

• Dismissive Comments: When you share your feelings, they say, "It’s not that big of a deal," or, "Why are you so sensitive?"
• Ignoring Your Emotions: They don’t acknowledge your feelings, or worse, change the subject to something about themselves.
• Minimising Your Experience: They make your struggles seem small by saying, "Well, some people have it worse."
• Blaming or Criticising You: They suggest that if you weren’t so negative, you wouldn’t feel this way, or accuse you of seeking attention.

These behaviours don’t just annoy—they’re harmful. They send the message that your feelings don’t matter, and if you hear that message enough, you might start to believe it.

Why We’ve Accepted This as "Normal"

Many of us have learned to accept psychological invalidation as just part of life. We might even dish it out ourselves without realising it because it’s so ingrained in our culture. Think about it: how often have you heard someone tell a crying child to "toughen up" or "stop acting like a baby"?

These seemingly harmless phrases contribute to a cycle of invalidation passed down through generations. We grow up thinking it’s normal to brush off emotions or keep our feelings hidden. Then, we pass those same behaviours on to our children, believing we’re teaching resilience, when in reality, we’re teaching them to ignore their own emotional needs.

Practical Steps to Avoid Invalidation

Breaking free from the cycle of psychological invalidation starts with awareness. Here are steps to avoid invalidating others and protect yourself from it:

1. Acknowledge Emotions Without Judgement: When someone shares their feelings, try saying, "I understand why you feel that way," or, "That sounds tough." This simple act of acknowledgement can make a world of difference.
2. Set Boundaries with Invalidators: If someone repeatedly invalidates you, set boundaries. Say, "When you dismiss my feelings, it makes me feel unheard." If they continue, consider limiting your interactions.
3. Practise Self-Validation: Affirm your own feelings by telling yourself, "It’s okay to feel this way," or, "My emotions are valid." This is especially important if you’ve been surrounded by invalidation. Remember, you don’t need anyone’s approval to feel what you feel.
4. Be Mindful of Your Own Responses: Avoid phrases that dismiss others’ experiences. Instead of saying, "Just get over it," try asking, "Do you want to talk about what’s bothering you?"

Changing the Narrative for Future Generations

If we want to end psychological invalidation, we must start with ourselves and then teach the next generation a different way. It’s about creating a culture where emotions are embraced, where people feel heard and understood.

When we model emotional validation for our children, we show them that expressing feelings is okay, and that those feelings matter. This isn’t just about mental well-being; it’s crucial for physical health too. Studies indicate that chronic stress and unresolved emotional issues can lead to inflammation, increasing the risk of conditions like heart disease, diabetes, and autoimmune disorders*** For example, individuals experiencing depression are more likely to develop chronic diseases due to changes in stress hormones, heightened inflammation, and unhealthy lifestyle patterns that accompany poor emotional health.

By teaching children to recognise and process their emotions, we’re not just fostering empathy and self-awareness but also potentially reducing their risk of future health issues. In doing so, we break the cycle of emotional abuse and promote overall well-being.

 Everyday emotional abuse doesn’t always look like a screaming argument. Sometimes, it’s as quiet as a dismissive comment or an indifferent shrug. The good news is that once we recognise it, we can choose to respond differently and start validating our own emotions and those of others. So, the next time someone tries to rain on your emotional parade, remember: your feelings are real, and they deserve to be seen and heard.

To explore more on personal growth and emotional healing, drop me an email [email protected] to enquire about the therapeutic coaching sessions.

*** Source: 1. https://publichealth.jhu.edu/2021/the-intersection-of-mental-health-and-chronic-disease 2. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/chronic-illness-mental-health 3. https://mecp.springeropen.com/articles/10.1186/s43045-023-00340-2

© 2024 Shamala Tan