Breaking the Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Cycle (Without Losing Your Mind)

Ever feel like you’re running in circles with someone you love? Like one of you is always chasing, and the other is playing hide-and-seek but forgot to tell you where they’re hiding? Congratulations—you’ve entered the wild ride known as the anxious-avoidant relationship cycle.

This pattern shows up when one person craves closeness (anxious attachment) and the other feels like closeness is an emotional straitjacket (avoidant attachment). It can feel like both of you are pulling in opposite directions, and neither of you is getting what you need. Sound familiar?

You’re not doomed to stay stuck in this emotional merry-go-round forever. With a bit of awareness, solid communication, and some personal growth, you and your partner can break free from the pattern and build a connection that actually feels good. Let’s break it down.

What’s the Anxious-Avoidant Cycle?
Think of this dynamic as the relationship version of an awkward dance. The anxious person leads by stepping forward, wanting reassurance, closeness, and constant confirmation that the other person isn’t going anywhere. Meanwhile, the avoidant person steps back, overwhelmed by all this emotional pressure. Their coping mechanism? Distance. And just like that—you’re both caught in a loop. The anxious person’s need for closeness triggers the avoidant person’s need for space, and the more space one person takes, the more anxious the other feels.

Both partners are trying to feel safe in the relationship—they’re just doing it in completely opposite ways. The anxious partner is thinking, "Why does no one ever stay?" and the avoidant one is muttering under their breath, "Why can’t anyone leave me alone for five minutes?"

If you’ve been here before, you know it can feel exhausting. But here’s the thing: It’s not that either of you is too much or not enough. You’re both just stuck in a dance you never signed up for. The trick is learning new moves.

What’s Really Going On?
Let’s get real here for a bit - beneath the surface of anxious attachment is a huge need for connection and reassurance. The anxious partner might constantly wonder, "Do you still love me? Are you mad at me? Why didn’t you text back?" It’s not just about texts—it’s about the deep fear that if they aren’t vigilant, the people they love will leave.

On the flip side, the avoidant partner is working with an entirely different set of fears. For them, vulnerability can feel like standing naked in public with a “Free Hugs” sign. It’s terrifying! They’ve likely learned somewhere along the way that emotional closeness = danger, so they create emotional space as a way to feel safe. When they withdraw, it’s not because they don’t care. It’s because they’re trying to protect themselves.

See the dilemma? Both people want to feel safe and loved. They’re just trying to get there in ways that cancel each other out. 

Self-Soothing: Calming the Crazy (On Both Sides)
Step one to breaking this cycle: Learn to soothe yourself. That means neither person should rely on the other to regulate their emotions all the time. Easier said than done, right? But here’s where the magic happens: When each person learns to manage their own emotions, the tension eases, and both of you can finally take a breath.

If you’re the anxious one:

Get comfortable with a little bit of space. (I know, I know—easier said than done.) Try journaling, deep breathing, or using affirmations like, “I am enough, even if they take space.”

Learn to ask for what you need without panicking. It’s okay to want reassurance—but it doesn’t have to come wrapped in fear.

If you’re the avoidant one:

Practice staying present just a little longer than feels comfortable. Start small—like staying in the same room during an emotional conversation without pretending to check the oven.

Take breaks when you need them, but communicate. A simple, “I need a little space, but I’ll call you tonight,” can work wonders. (And yes, you do have to call.)

Communicating Without Freaking Each Other Out
The key to this whole thing is communication and to listen and be heard. Real communication—not vague texts or passive-aggressive hints. Both partners need to feel safe expressing what’s going on internally without fear of judgment.

• Use “I” statements: Instead of saying, “You never give me attention,” try, “I feel disconnected when we don’t talk for a while.” It lowers the heat and makes it easier for your partner to hear you.
• Set small goals together: If space is a trigger for the anxious partner, agree on a time to reconnect. For example, “Let’s both take an hour to recharge and then check in.” It builds trust without smothering the avoidant partner.
• Active listening: Repeat back what your partner is saying to make sure you’re both on the same page. (“So, what I’m hearing is you love me but also need some alone time. Got it.”)

Little by little, these new ways of communicating can build the trust both of you need to feel seen, heard, and valued.

Building Healthier Patterns
Breaking the anxious-avoidant cycle takes work—but it’s worth it. Both partners need to practice stepping outside their comfort zones and learning that closeness doesn’t have to feel suffocating, and space doesn’t mean abandonment.

The anxious partner can begin to cultivate inner security, knowing that they are enough, even when their partner isn’t immediately available. The avoidant partner can slowly learn that vulnerability isn’t the enemy—sometimes it’s exactly what’s needed to build a deeper connection.

And yes, it will feel weird at first. But weird is just growth in progress.

This journey is not about perfection—it’s about progress. The goal isn’t to change who you are but to learn how to love in ways that feel healthy and supportive for both of you. When both partners understand each other’s triggers and learn to soothe themselves, the relationship stops feeling like a battlefield and starts feeling more like a team.

So, whether you’re the anxious one, the avoidant one, or a little bit of both, remember: You can change the way this story plays out. It just takes patience, honesty, and a whole lot of kindness—for yourself and each other.

For more information on my therapeutic coaching sessions for couples, drop me an email : [email protected]

© 2024 Shamala Tan